Tuesday, June 12, 2007

sigh. stuck in a corner i guess.

today was almost fruitful but despite all my efforts, i only managed 5 questions of integration and 2 chapters of economics. kinda discouraged right now.

oh well. mum asked me 2 questions. can i still speak in tongues, yes, its kinda like a fun thing to do, u blurt it out every now and then when u feel scared or u dunno wad to do. den she asked me to read jer 29:11-14 which i can still remember. but its just that i cant get that close to Him anymore. and its really not that i m blaming Him or something, but its just parts of u that u dont wish to change at the moment, and its sort of causing the conflict of interest here. cus u cant get into it without having to comply to the standard. but u cant comply to it right now and i guess getting into it just makes it feel all the more horrible for me. the solution is the sort where its really easier said than done, and theres loads of feelings involved here. and even that totally disregards how torn i could feel, u have to consider how much it tears up someone else. and i guess i care too much for everyone and a part of me feels like for now, this is the best place to stay. in a place where i keep to this lifestyle, giving my best to at least fulfil the purpose i have so far which i know off, not hurting those close to me, i guess its kinda unfair to Him but either way i m still hurting Him so i m keeping away at the moment.

just that i miss leaning on Him, and after all that has happened to me over the last 3 years, its not something u can just drop and move on and not feel weird or empty or that ur missing something.

and midyears is so totally stressing me out. i really did put in effort la, i slacked alot less, seriously. there were days where i did nothing but thats minute compared to the time i wasted before common tests, and i mugged hard when i got into my books, but everything just seems to be taking a prolonged period that i expected and everything is falling behind, and as much time as i wanna spend on books, i have a concentration span and i m not a robot, and the time i have, unfortunately is running out, and wad can i do now but minimize opportunity cost.

and if u tell me i cant study the whole syllabus before a levels. i totally disagree. cus o levels, i studied for 3 weeks and i did cover everything even thou some of it was kinda breif and it wasnt enough but it still got me 15 points which is not too bad considering the time spent and the time wasted before. ok fine. a levels is of a higher standard. but now i have 4 months and 4 days after midyear ends and i have less subjects and my brain is supposed to be more developed. so the whole syllabus is feasible, its just about willpower and discipline. something which costs me so far and something which is gonna keep appearing in many posts in different forms down the years if i dont learn, starting now.

now that felt much better. didnt it.

so even thou midyears seems like a jumping into a deep hole and getting urself hurt bad, i ll put in as much effort to make sure the hole is way less deeper by the time i jump in, thats call damage control and by a levels. i ll make sure the hole becomes a mountain with me on top of it.

|cowpoo| 11:58 PM|

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